“I can’t live without you!” Many have heard these words and while this statement can sometimes be so sweet, it could also mean something quite different. It could be indicative of a codependent relationship.
A codependent relationship is a pattern of behaviour that makes an individual dependent on somebody else’s approval for boosting self-worth and positive identity. In summary, self-worth will be associated to external sources, which is tremendously unhealthy. This association inhibits one partner or both from growing inside the relationship because the pattern of behaviour suggests that one can’t survive without the other (or their approval).
One of the individuals in the relationship will assume the role of the helper or enabler. The other person will feel loved only when assistance is received from the enabler. This kind of relationship is highly unbalanced, which is why it’s so unhealthy.
Some people may not recognize that they are in a codependent relationship. In fact, all relationships are codependent to some degree. When the dependence on the other is associated to control, however, the situation becomes problematic. People may be incapable of recognizing codependence because of low self-esteem or because of the discrete nature of the dependence.
Many people would think that being in a codependent relationship means no harm, as long as it does not involve physical abuse. A codependent relationship, however, could wreak havoc and affect the psyche in a tremendously negative way.
The results of an interesting study were published in the Archives of Psychiatric Nursing. Researchers worked with 105 women suffering from depression. The main aim of the researchers was to figure out whether codependency and depression were linked. Depression was measured using Beck Depression Inventory and Codependency Assessment Tools were utilized, as well. Of the depressed women, 36 percent were moderately or severely codependent. The low self-worth associated to codependency was strongly correlated to depression.
The Signs of a Codependent Relationship
The first step towards taking some action involves identifying whether you’re actually in a codependent relationship. Needing your spouse or partner to some extent isn’t classified as codependency. The situation becomes worrisome when you become so overly dependent on a significant other, that you think that nobody else (including yourself) will be capable of fulfilling that particular need.
The signs of dangerous codependency include the following:
- You believe that you can’t live without the other person – sure, this may sound really romantic, especially if it comes from your “dream partner,” however, given the fact that you have lived for many years by yourself (and you have done just fine!) means that you are unable to recognize your completeness.
- Conditional love – oftentimes, I hear from people saying after a breakup that in order for them to find love again, they must love themselves first. This statement is in some way related to codependency because of the fact that you need to understand yourself, let yourself be who you are and accept your every behaviour. Some partners would want you to behave a certain way and they will love you for this, which is not normal. They must truly accept the person you are and love you no matter what.
- You let the other person control how you feel – happiness always comes from within. One’s existence does not coincide with your feelings because it has to start from you.
- You let your partner to get in your business. ALWAYS! – when in a relationship, some people believe that they can just barge into everything that their partner is doing and get away with it. Being together with someone, however, doesn’t justify such actions. Letting someone get into everything that you do can have a really negative impact – you need your own space.
- You don’t feel free – love should not make you a prisoner. You don’t have to submit yourself to somebody else, to what they want or how they’d like you to act in order to love you.