How can You Tell if You are in a Codependent Relationship?

“I can’t live without you!” Many have heard these words and while this statement can sometimes be so sweet, it could also mean something quite different. It could be indicative of a codependent relationship.

A codependent relationship is a pattern of behaviour that makes an individual dependent on somebody else’s approval for boosting self-worth and positive identity. In summary, self-worth will be associated to external sources, which is tremendously unhealthy. This association inhibits one partner or both from growing inside the relationship because the pattern of behaviour suggests that one can’t survive without the other (or their approval). 

One of the individuals in the relationship will assume the role of the helper or enabler. The other person will feel loved only when assistance is received from the enabler. This kind of relationship is highly unbalanced, which is why it’s so unhealthy.

Some people may not recognize that they are in a codependent relationship. In fact, all relationships are codependent to some degree. When the dependence on the other is associated to control, however, the situation becomes problematic. People may be incapable of recognizing codependence because of low self-esteem or because of the discrete nature of the dependence. 

Many people would think that being in a codependent relationship means no harm, as long as it does not involve physical abuse. A codependent relationship, however, could wreak havoc and affect the psyche in a tremendously negative way.

The results of an interesting study were published in the Archives of Psychiatric Nursing. Researchers worked with 105 women suffering from depression. The main aim of the researchers was to figure out whether codependency and depression were linked. Depression was measured using Beck Depression Inventory and Codependency Assessment Tools were utilized, as well. Of the depressed women, 36 percent were moderately or severely codependent. The low self-worth associated to codependency was strongly correlated to depression.

The Signs of a Codependent Relationship

The first step towards taking some action involves identifying whether you’re actually in a codependent relationship. Needing your spouse or partner to some extent isn’t classified as codependency. The situation becomes worrisome when you become so overly dependent on a significant other, that you think that nobody else (including yourself) will be capable of fulfilling that particular need.

The signs of dangerous codependency include the following:

  • You believe that you can’t live without the other person – sure, this may sound really romantic, especially if it comes from your “dream partner,” however, given the fact that you have lived for many years by yourself (and you have done just fine!) means that you are unable to recognize your completeness. 
  • Conditional love – oftentimes, I hear from people saying after a breakup that in order for them to find love again, they must love themselves first. This statement is in some way related to codependency because of the fact that you need to understand yourself, let yourself be who you are and accept your every behaviour. Some partners would want you to behave a certain way and they will love you for this, which is not normal. They must truly accept the person you are and love you no matter what. 
  • You let the other person control how you feel – happiness always comes from within. One’s existence does not coincide with your feelings because it has to start from you. 
  • You let your partner to get in your business. ALWAYS! – when in a relationship, some people believe that they can just barge into everything that their partner is doing and get away with it. Being together with someone, however, doesn’t justify such actions. Letting someone get into everything that you do can have a really negative impact – you need your own space.
  • You don’t feel free – love should not make you a prisoner. You don’t have to submit yourself to somebody else, to what they want or how they’d like you to act in order to love you. 

ONLINE DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS

Chances are, you have already tried or personally know someone who is into online dating. As compared to the initial popular reaction towards internet dating sites in the 90s, people have now developed a more welcoming attitude. Several researches have looked into how major services such as match.com, OkCupid, Tinder, Meetup, and Plenty of Fish (POF) have revolutionized the dating world.

Chances are, you have already tried or personally know someone who is into online dating. As compared to the initial popular reaction towards internet dating sites in the 90s, people have now developed a more welcoming attitude. Several researches have looked into how major services such as match.com, OkCupid, Tinder, Meetup, and Plenty of Fish (POF) have revolutionized the dating world.

SAME-SEX COUPLES PARTNERSHIP RATES

Researchers from Stanford University and The City College of New York evaluated the internet’s role in shaping relationships. “In the past 15 years, the rise of the Internet has partly displaced not only family and school, but also neighborhood, friends, and the workplace as venues for meeting partners” (Rosenfeld & Thomas, 2012, p.523). The paper which was published in the American Sociological Association concluded that homosexual partnership rate consistently increased with the rising efficiency and massive use of the web. On the contrary, heterosexual partnership rate proved to be unchanged. It was hypothesized that the flat statistics was caused by the constrained internet access among older heterosexual women. The study specified that individuals who have thin dating markets such as gays and lesbians rely mostly on the assistance of the internet. In addition, the data presented that those who have convenient internet access from the comforts of their homes are more likely to be involved in romantic relationships.

WHERE MARRIED COUPLES MET

A paper which was published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America (PNAS) verified that more than a third of the 19, 131 research participants’ marriages started online (2013). Still, the bigger portion of the US population met their partners at work, social gatherings, school, and other offline venues. The study which was conducted by John Cacioppo, Stephanie Cacioppo, Gian Gonzaga, Elizabeth Ogburn, and Tyler Vander Weele interestingly furthered that relationships who had virtual beginnings even did better as compared to those who first met offline. Particularly, the online group reported that their relationships reflected higher marital satisfaction rates. These findings from the couples who married between 2005 and 2012 suggest that the Internet has transformed the dynamic forces of marriage.

THE BENEFITS OF ONLINE DATING

“Online dating is pervasive, and it has fundamentally altered both the romantic acquaintance process and the process of compatibility matching” (Finkel, Eastwick, Karney, Reis, & Sprecher, 2012, p. 51). The study which was published in the Association for Psychological Science (APS) also explained that virtual dating has certain superior qualities such as accessibility and wider possibilities. Through online networks, singles have more prospects to choose from. Instead of having to rely on relatives, friends, communal activities, and chance to meet someone, cyberspace has made it much easier. However, the advantage is only limited to the commencement of the romantic interaction as online dating sites’ compatibility tests are not necessarily reliable. 

The above mentioned papers generally portray online dating in a positive light. Especially when it comes to getting more acquainted with others, singles can enjoy more options through dating websites. Still, we should keep in mind that the venue for a relationship’s beginning is only one among the various facets that predict its success.